Rant time

Sadly, this isn't a story update. Instead, we're going to follow along as I read Harry Potter for a class and i give blow by blow examples of just how bad Rowling's writing is. Before that though, If you tell me a story that you think is funny, but that I find offensive, be prepared for me to be offended. More than that, be prepared for me to tell you so. Being a bitch doesn't give you immunity from being called out, it just makes you an easier target, no, I would never hit a girl, but if I caught someone doing what you did I'd beat the boy till he cried, and then tell you to your face that you're a bitch. I understand life wasn't always easy for you, that doesn't authorize you to bypass the rules of human decency and respect for elders and family.

Now on to yet another stupid bitch, my how they abound.

Lesson 1: Using the right words. When one event occurs, in a scene, do not end the scene with 'all in all.....blah blah blah' you just sound dumb. There's no all to be in all.

Lesson 2: when referencing timepiece's accuracy, it is best to mention said timepiece in some fashion, instead of slipping "It's a minute off" into the middle of a conversation and expecting the reader to know what you mean.

Lesson 3: learn your details, the devil is in the details. When a party of young healthy people has to walk a quarter mile, either don't mention a travel time, or mention one that makes sense. If you're going to say that it takes them twenty minutes to go less than a quarter mile, I'm going to assume they stopped to roll a blunt along the way.

Lesson 4: if the word you have invented sounds suspiciously like another word, don't use it in place of said other word. Example, if you want a character to cease being visible, and have previously invented the verb form of 'apparition': ('apparate' to be instantly transported to another place.) Do not use the negative verb form 'disapparate' to say that a character has ceased to be present. A good word for this is 'disappear'. It's in the dictionary, it's what the reader expects to see. Stop being a pretentious bitch.

Lesson 5: Ellipses ~= commas. Please use commas. Ellipses make you look silly, and your characters retarded. I am under the impression that everyone in this book is Rain Man.

Lesson 6: Conversely, three commas to segue two exclamations and two clauses into a sentence, cripes, well, it makes you appear, look, it makes you seem unsure of what you want to, like, say.

Lesson 7: Don't put obvious "that's what she said"s into your book. It's juvenile.

Lesson 8: really? A Salem Witch Trials reference? Bitch.

Lesson 9: When creating fantasy worlds, don't use the real world as a base. Don't set everything in the real world, it destroys the fantasy when I read about the Bulgarian flag and wonder, "which one is that again?" Then I have to go look it up, and that destroys the 'magic' of the story. Seriously, have you ever read Tolkein's essay on fairy stories? It's like the third thing he says.

Lesson 10: It a book marketed for children, don't talk about men preferring a 'breeze 'round my privates' that's just nasty. Ugh, Tolkein never would have had Gandalf say that.

Lesson 11: Gilt isn't a color, it's an adjective describing something covered in gold. "Purple-and-gilt" makes you sound stupid and pretentious.

Lesson 12: Really? A nose-picking joke? Do I even need to go into this? What's next, a fart joke?

Lesson 13: While people often leave out parts of speech in conversation, it shouldn't be done in writing dialogue. To this end, please remember, sentences have subjects. Knew you'd understand. Exception: when the subject is implied, like when I say, "Bitch!" it's understood that the subject is you.

Lesson 14: Calling someone a 'slimy git' is pretty hard to mistake. Obscenity has no place in children's books.

Lesson 15: fix your physics. Assuming that a flying broom is capable of accelerating while in flight (necessary for controlled flying) saying that a person on a broom plummeted, like they had jumped from airplanes without parachutes, is dumb. What you're saying is that the best a flying broom can do is match free fall, this isn't very impressive. If you're going to make a comparison, try something more impressive, "Dropped like a lightning bolt" for instance.

Lesson 16: Aw hang it, if I try to do this the whole time I'll never finish the assignment. This is ghastly writing. End of story.